It all comes back around

No one sees beneath the smile,
The pain that lurks inside,
The anger bottled within,
And the tears that have been cried.

Depression has control over you,
The way you think, act and talk,
No one can get through to you,
You see the light and begin to walk.

You still stick that fake smile on,
As you begin another day,
Trapped in this torture chamber,
Suicide seems the only way.
But you won't let go.. not yet,
You're determined to make it through,
Dont want to give them the satisfaction,
Of letting them know they're getting to you.

I know its hard to keep on living,
When death is luring you in,
Just keep thinking to yourself,
'In this life i have to win'.

Things can only go bad for so long,
it gets better believe me its true,
Although you feel like your world's coming to an end,
Think of the future that lies ahead of you.
Remember it's only a small part of your life,
You have a whole world upahead,
Don't let any one put you down,
Don't take to heart what they said.
Cause thats when you start to think,
That what they say is true,
Even though their words are bullshit,
It really gets to you.

I know that words do hurt,
I've been through it so take it from me,
But i'm still standing here today,
From the once cruel world where i wanted to be free.

So please read this poem and remember,
What i experienced and what i found,
That what others do to you,
It all comes back around...

A heart speaks

                                           A voice from deep inside my heart  <3 

I'm not merely an organ you humans rely on.... 
 to while away your days at times stained with barbaric acts.... 
Yes I have a voice with which you Homo Sapiens rarely come to terms with....
 I'm the cause of that sickening thorn which makes you crib at the smallest mishap you come across... I'm the cause of that fear which holds u back from people thrusting their belligerent attitudes against you   to thwart your ambitions….
I’m the creator of that warm sensation u feel while snuggling up to your sweethearts…..
 Yet you underestimate my worth over materialistic values which has poisoned your brains…. 
You’ve become thirsty for personal gains and trying to besmirch reputations and have neglected my own child – “ feelings “. 
 What has become of this world…..this crazy world you guys are unknowingly languishing in….

I’m guileless….
 And that’s why you hold me weak…….
but I do have the strength and gusto to fight back…
 I will stop the tears which unconsciously fall out for a family bereavement….
I will conjure up thoughts of how to stamp one’s authority over a deserving but weak compatriot so that you receive the spotlight….
I will not make you rejoice someone’s affection nor regret their departure….yes… 
I will make you stoic - a word which is an equivalence for death in our lingo.. bereft of feelings….
This will certainly make you stronger and immune to the desperate….. 
you will have nothing to worry about…. 
Absolutely nothing and so will I be spared of the responsibility of reminding you how tolerance, tenderness could have this world free of all the bitter sensations…..
 I will however still beat….
I’ll beat for you to live…..but just to live….cold – hearted !!!.

Forgotten

"The army is now like Cinderella getting all the love
and attention but it won't be long before all is forgotten and it starts
receiving step-motherly treatment again."
Anuradha Mathur, 56 APO (During Kargil war, India Today, July 26, 1999. Letters.)

The words of Anuradha Mathur have proven yet again to be true on 13 Dec 2009 when only 11 MPs paid tribute to the martyrs who sacrificed their lives fighting terror attack on the parliament. The others seemed to be taking their Sunday off, many of these were the same MPs who had their hands in their mouths as they were inside the parliament at the time of attack and who were saved by the forgotten jawans.

Sometimes I feel who are these guys fighting for?? For the country or for these politicians who feel nothing whatsoever..... Mahesh Bhatt, one of the top notch directors said in an interview recently when asked about his son, "Ehsaan kiya hai desh par"(by disclosing his links with Headley)......Thank you Mr. Bhatt, we are deeply indebted.

I remember the NSG commando Major Sandeep Unnikrishnan who got killed while battling terrorists in Mumbai. His father shut his house doors on the CM Achuthanandan and home minister Balakrishnan with media cameras rolling . At this, Mr CM said," Had it not been a martyr's house, not even a dog would have entered there." This was the real condolences Mr CM had in mind and the rest was a show off.

In an interview with Mr and Mrs Unnikrishnan, they were asked a question ,"Are you proud that your son lost his life fighting for the country?"

Of all the answers I have heard from various mothers and fathers and friends of martyrs who said they were extremely proud and held their head high, this answer was different. His father said," What should I be proud of? My son lost his life performing his duty. This is what I taught him from the childhood and this is what he believed in. " When he was asked how their life was going now, they answered that they were left with no hopes. He had even thought of committing suicide but  Mrs. Unnikrishnan stopped him. The day she will feel the same, they will put an end to their lives together.

I also remember Anuj Nayyar, the 24yr kargil martyr. Along with his Mahavir chakra, his father received the allotment letter of a petrol pump. Claiming the pump that came as a memory of his son was never going to be easy, but Nayyar had never imagined that it was going to be this tough - it took not one, not two, but innumerable visits to every possible Goverrnment office.

"The struggle of Kargil was one part. The struggle of Kargil Heights (petrol pump) was another. In the Kargil struggle, the might of the Indian Army was there to support, that was one war, but in the other war of Kargil Heights, there was no back-up," said Nayyar.

Years after the pump was alloted, Nayyar and his wife were still getting permissions from the Delhi Vidyut Board, the DDA and the Delhi Police.

We are a proud nation. We have survived the recession with a growth of 7%. But we do not know the people responsible for saving us. Seems like our heroes have changed. We have our role models as Shahrukh khans and Kareena Kapoors and Katrina Kaifs. We also remember their birth dates and marriage anniversaries. Are these the right issues??

 We spend out time watching television shows like big boss where 10 -12 stupid people are made to live in a house and we enjoy watching them fight over petty things.

On all this, I remember the lines of Dinkar's Kurukshetra,

वह कौन रोता है यहाँ इतिहास के अध्याय पर,
जिसमें लिखा है नौजवानों के लहू का मोल है,
प्रत्यय किसी बूड़े कुटिल नीतिज्ञ के व्यवहार का,
जिसका ह्रदय उतना मलिन जितना कि शीर्ष वलक्ष है,
जो आप तो लड़ता नहीं,
कटवा किशोरों को मगर,
आश्वस्त होकर सोचता ,
शोणित बहा, लेकिन , गयी बच लाज सारे देश की !!

Enough said.

REALITY.... THE BITTER SIDE OF LIFE... OR IS IT JUST A CASE OF A...... "DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE"??

Was glued to the television set... watching Dale Steyn make a batsman dance to his tunes... when the commentator    came up with "Its time to FACE the MUSIC". "FACE the MUSIC" suddenly struck a kind of emotional chord in my mind.... emotional because just the phrase raked up dust from a plethora of incidents when it had been mentioned in my life... and recalling my past... I can reassure myself that all the happenings were unpleasant. Searching bewildered for a plausible excuse... I came to a sort of weird conclusion which might make sense at the end of this blog.... that the phrase FACING the MUSIC was kind of synonymous to FACING the REALITY in my life. But the point that struck a note was... Is facing reality a bad encounter after all ?

A woman gets brutally raped by a Minister. She could have killed herself as a way of escaping the "reality" and facing the society glaring at her. But she ain't bogged down. She files a FIR 3 years hence which not surprisingly goes unheard considering the involvement of a "minister" as if the word acted as an immunity to wrong-doers. In the next encounter with the minister, she stabs him to death. Screw the laws ( as if the judiciary system was quick and transparent enough to be of some help to her in her needless situation) , what the woman did was an act of bravery... bravery - not the part where she used a knife ( every thug in the world knows that) bravery in the part where she faced the reality that she had lost face and needed to fight to earn her dignity back.

It is tough indeed to see things as they are rather than perceive it the way we want it to be. People find it real hard to take rejections in life. Be it an interview or a guy on his knees praying for his life that his lady love says "YES !! " . The outcome obviously is THE only impact that either makes his life all good and lovey-dovey or makes him question his very incentive of living . A "NO" is never taken easily. Its like the whole sky coming crashing down upon him. I've on a personal level seen people take the easy and despicable route of "self - destruction", clearly show-casing their inablity to face the "reality". Yes, it IS difficult to take up "NO" for an answer, but that, instead of closing doors, opens new ones. A lost interview could mean a better job in offering somewhere with a better pay-cheque !! A turned down proposal could mean your partner is still out there waiting for you to get down on your knees again!! A rejection is never the rejection of your capabilities. The ones who realize this soon enough are the ones who've mastered the art of facing "reality" and recovered from their disappointments to make a come-back, and IN STYLE !!!

Reality is meant to taste like sour grapes I guess. The ones who dare to taste it are the ones who are able to enjoy the sweet fruits better which they are bound to come across later on in life. Reality is the "real -deal" in the true sense of it !!! But nothing to be feared, but to be faced with a sturdy heart-beat, with an anxious mind for the sense of realization, with a "DIFFERENT PERSPECTIVE" to life.

With this, I jolted back to reality as well... Dale Steyn with an unplayable delivery to the debutant Pujara who is eventually adjudged leg before wicket by the umpire... What does he do? He didn't throw his bat around expressing any sort of disgust.... he simply shrugs his shoulder and walks back.... he knew he would come back... its just his first test..... he had FACED his REALITY.

everything has changed

a figment of my imagination..
this is for you jo, thanks for appreciating it!
:)


Everything has changed. Everything.
Why i wonder, while i watch the world spin by
it feels like i'm in one of those movies where as one stands,
everything else rushes by
everyone else rushes by
not stopping to look, not stopping to feel, not stopping
not my pain, not my fear, not me

i can hear the tidal waves
wash ashore my dreams
thrashing against my hopes
breaking loose all my ties
all that's left are my footprints on the wet sand
to show the path i tread
and those too
shall disappear soon under the froth

the white cloth drags
the burden weighs down upon me
i hear a voice, i hear my name
he can see me, he can feel me, he knows me.....does he
the shadow moves closer..
yet something pulls him away..
he wants to reach me..to touch to kiss to hold me
alas, only if he didn't have his own path to tread
that was so very different mine...

i smile..the only thing i could do.
i had always known, just that i never knew
i turn away..make my way to that stone
that stone that i had always dreamt of sitting on
i dreamt of watching that sunset..holding his hand

i sit watching love float by in twos before me.
the sun sets..my vision hazy
my fingers, meant to entwine with his..
screaming out to the cruel world
that selfish bastard who made me stand naked in the light
i pull the trigger..............................

i tread my footsteps back
the white cloth drags but i feel nothing
i feel nothing at all
not my pain not my fear not myself
i run away into the night.. i sing for joy
i see you in a distance...i see you..walking alone
and i do the only thing i want to do..i smile.

Everything had changed. Everything.


Note: This poem has been inspired from William Wordsworth's poem The Tale of Life.

RAIN - A QUEER PHENOMENON !!

Life...... a strange humdrum affair where even a few moments of peace snatched is given heartfelt acknowledgement. But.. at times... you do need an incident.. a natural blessing.. to spark off that feeling of inner peace and awakening of the "inner" eye - a much welcome break from the slumber of our routine.

"Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby." - Langston Hughes

A strange phenomenon - rain - isn't it? I gazed out of my window this evening.. and wondered.. how each drop... as if caressed by a supernatural existence.... trickles down the cheeks of the clouds.... but with a purpose.... a purpose to rejuvenate our minds... a purpose to quench the thirst of those withering leaves and make them gleam with vitality... a purpose to kiss the ground as if an invitation to add to the liveliness of nature it wishes to blossom.

Rain.. has a strange relationship with life as well. Just as we should take along the puddles of mud along with the mesmerizing scenic wonder the rain offers, we should take along the obstacles in life with the joy of living each day of it to the fullest. Criticism in life, could take a leaf out of this natural phenomenon's notebook as well... criticism should be gentle, nourishing the growth in stature of man rather than destroying his roots and making him crib at his own existence. Rain is not simply a creation to keep the people forecasting weather from being jobless.... it is a signal for renewal and replenishment of life from its daily chores.

Rain... does play a role in the incitement of another emotion - love. Its the perfect stage.. the perfect moment.. drops of rain creating the ambience for the unity of two souls... which no Bolly movie can efficiently and successfully define...ever. When you're in love.. they say every object becomes a metaphor - The sky crying symbolizing the pain of departed and incomplete love.... the dark clouds making you lost in a maze of thoughts of your loved one...

So well... yes... rain is simply not the outcome of precipitated clouds if you look at it in the broader and deeper sense. It relates quite closely to our life cycle.. to our well - being... becoz in the end... the onus is always on us and our spirituality.. and always has been. So -

Rain rain, dont go away... do come back another day.. and relieve us of our day to day burdens... to live our lives the "jolly" way.